How to Deal with Alphas
by Grand Phoenix
Summary: What was supposed to be a sleepover between friends gets interrupted when they waken to the racket going on down the hall. A very familiar, very adult racket. How do they deal with it? It's quite simple, really. Alphas, beware! [pre-ViVid]


_Bang. Bang. Bang._

Their eyes snapped open as one.

_BANG. BANG. BANG._

Corona glanced at the hallway, shuddered, and sank deeper into the sleeping bag.

"Vivio," Rio whispered. _BANG. BANG. BANG. _"Vivio, _do something_."

Vivio did a double-take. "M-Me?"

"They're _your_ parents! As their child you have a responsibility to go in there and—"

"You're out of your mind!"

"I always have. Where have you been?"

"I could go in there. I could tell them to stop…but that would be a grave mistake. No one interrupts them, and I mean _no one_. Daughter or not, it's not happening. Besides," and Vivio shook her head, "I don't wanna die young. Do you realize who I'd have to deal with?"

"Your parents should be cool, right?"

"Fate-mama, yes. Nanoha-mama? Rio, she's not just called the White Devil for her displays on the battlefield…." And to further emphasis the point, there was a machine gun chain reaction of _BANGBANGBANGBANGBANG_. Both of them started, shut up, and listened.

They stared at the ceiling. They could barely hear the ticking of the wall clock. It was one in the morning.

"Gonna be a long night," Rio said out of the corner of her mouth.

Vivio pursed her lips and made an acquiescent hum.

"Maybe they'll blow the house up."

Vivio's head snapped to the side, at Rio. "N-No they won't!" she stammered.

"What? That's what happens when two people do it, right? Except they're mages; they probably have a lot more drive in 'em. And where there's drive there's power, you know? Maybe it does something to their Linker Cores, or their Devices kinda give 'em a boost, and when they finish they just, well, _let it go_, but instead of what happens in the room will also happen to the rest of the house—"

"That's stupid, Rio!" Vivio's hand slipped out of her sleeping bag and smacked the girl's shoulder. Neither had to see her face was flushed red, her neck and ears too. "It doesn't work that way!"

"And how would you know?"

"Because if that were the case, the house wouldn't even be here!"

"Bah! I still think their magic has something to do with it. Why else do they get down and dirty every chance they get?"

"Th-That's just how they are. It's how anyone would be." Vivio coughed. "I think…."

"You think?"

"I don't know, okay? Just…try to get some sleep. They'll be done eventually."

Rio scoffed. "Yeah right. This is a speed demon and a powerhouse demon we're talking about. They'll be at it 'til morning."

Vivio sputtered. "Y-You don't know that!"

"Wanna bet on it?"

Vivio pouted, puffed her cheeks. "Just go to sleep. We're keeping Corona awake." She turned on her side, looked past Rio's shoulder. The lower half of Corona's face was buried in the bag. "Right, Corona?" _BANG BANG BANG._

Corona looked at her and smiled timidly. "Y-Yeah…."

"It'll be alright. They're only human. Even mages have to know their limits."

"Rabbits don't need limiters to get busy," said Rio. "Why should mages?"

Vivio swallowed a groan and thumped the back of her head against the pillow. "D-Don't listen to her, Corona. Just go to sleep."

"With that racket going? There's no way!"

"You slept all through the fireworks on Founding Day, this isn't any different."

"Easy for you to say! We're all the way on the other side of the house and we can _still hear them_. That's not normal! Just listen to them! Does that sound like the headrest to you?" _BANG._

"It sounds like a gun going off," said Corona. After a pause, she added, "You don't think they're actually using their—?"

"No!" said Vivio. "Raging Heart and Bardiche know better than to disturb them unless it's an emergency!"

"Maybe that's why Raging Heart's named the way she is," said Rio. "And Bardiche is named so because, well…if you ever look at your moms, Vivio, really look at them, you can tell right away Miss Fate's all man—"

"Oh you are _not_ implying what I _think_ you're implying…."

"You can't tell me you don't see it! She's got everything down to a T! The walk, the talk, the looks—"

Vivio rolled her eyes. "Oh my Kaiser, Rio, she's not compensating for the lack of something!"

"But I wouldn't think any different of her!"

"Rio," said Corona, "I don't mean to sound rude, but there's a question that I'm sure is not in just my mind but in Vivio's as well: In between training and school, where do you find the time and the place to learn about these things? Like, we're _nine_. We're not supposed to know for a few more years!"

"You know as well I do that there's no point in waiting when you overhear your classmates talking about it, or pass by the health ED room on the way to the john or wherever you please. Why, I didn't even need to eavesdrop!"

"Not even your parents?"

"Not even my parents!"

"Then where from?"

Rio and Vivio answered simultaneously, the former with confidence and the other with deadpan obviousness: "The Internet!"

"Of course," said Vivio, "the Internet. Where else would you get access to information that can be easily edited? Like this one time where we had to do an assignment for history class about Ancient Belka and I couldn't reach Miss Hayate because she was away at a meeting, so on a whim I decided to browse one of those free encyclopedias at the library. I found her entry and it said she was not only Lieutenant Colonel in the Bureau and the former commander of Riot Force Six but a velociraptor—"

"Are you serious?!" Rio cried, voice pitched high and cracking with abrupt laughter.

"I kid you not, that was exactly what I read."

"Oh Kaiser!" Rio buried her face in the crook of an arm and lost herself.

Corona blinked owlishly at the ceiling. "Huh. I remember that. Didn't you look up Miss Nanoha's entry? I think it said something about her being an advocate for turkey rights…."

Vivio glanced at the hallway. "Yeeaaah. I'm, uh, glad she doesn't go on those sites. Says they're very unreliable and require more moderation."

"Oh I agree," said Corona. She looked at Rio, who was coming down off her high. "Okay, Rio, we get it. Miss Hayate looks more ridiculous as a dinosaur than a tanuki."

Rio wiped tears from her eyes. "I…I-I'm sorry. Oh man." She sniffled. "Don't think I laughed that hard in a long time. Thanks, Vivio."

Vivio cracked a smile. "Eh, no problem. At least it made for a good distraction."

"Speaking of which," said Corona, "listen!" They did. The house was quiet, and it must have been for quite a while. "I think they've stopped!"

Vivio breathed a sigh. "Oh thank goodness!"

"Well color me surprised!" said Rio, grinning. "They've actually outdone themselves! Hey, Vivio, I was just joking earlier about going into your parents' room. You were right."

"See, what did I tell you? They're done. Now we can finally put this behind us and get some much needed sleep!"

"Indeed—!"

Out of nowhere, like those Founding Day fireworks going off: _BABANGBABANGBABANGBABANGBABANG—_

They froze. Everyone went bright red.

"Forget what I just said, Vivio," Rio hissed. "Go do something about them right now!"

Vivio shook her head. "You're the one that keeps bringing it up. You go do it!"

"They're not my parents!"

"No, but if it was your parents you'd have no problem, now would you?!"

"Of course not, they won't stomp me into paste the second I walk into that bedroom!"

"If memory serves me correctly," said Corona, tapping a finger on her chin, "I believe you once claimed to be Mid-Childa's 'Number One Up-and-Coming Badass'…."

Rio squirmed. "S-So I did!"

"So if you're as badass as you say you are," Vivio added, "then you definitely have what it takes to confront my moms and tell them to knock the volume down a few decibels!"

Rio looked between them—Corona, who was giving her the most adorable and gut-wrenching pair of puppy dog eyes (a veritable weapon of mass destruction, she noted), and Vivio, who was glaring irritably and expectantly at her.

"Well?" Vivio wheedled.

She squirmed some more, a whine vibrating in her throat like a wishbone. "I…I can't! I may be badass, but a badass knows when to pick her fights. This fight ain't one of them! Perhaps, in time, when I become stronger in body, mind, and spirit…!" Vivio and Corona scoffed and rolled their eyes, shaking their heads. "Well somebody has to do it! Corona, you're the most levelheaded of this wayward trio of homebodies! Grace them with your budding, womanly charm!"

All the color drained from her face. "And spend the rest of my life paralyzed from the neck down, in an iron lung and eating liquid foods through a catheter? Get out of here!"

"Give me a break! People like Miss Nanoha and Miss Fate, they _fawn_ over Girls Next Door like you. They'll be compelled _not_ to hospitalize you."

"Well I want to live my life, not throw it away!"

"I'll do it," Vivio relented, sighing. "I am, after all, their daughter. If there's anyone brave enough and strong enough to stand up to two rutting alphas, it's going to be me. It makes sense."

Rio and Corona mulled her words over. "Alphas, huh," said Rio.

"I never thought of them that way," said Corona. "I've always known them to be demons and aces."

They looked at her. "Vivio," said Rio, "you're a trooper."

"A real soldier!" said Corona.

"Sankt Kaiser be with you. May the ground you tread upon quake as you pass….hopefully loud enough to make them stop and think twice about connecting I/O ports in the dead of night!"

"I'm just going to talk to them," said Vivio, rolling out of her sleeping bag. "Geez, you make it sound like I'm heading off to war."

"You may as well be!"

"We're just worried about you, Vivio!" said Corona. "People don't like it when their privacy is invaded!"

"I'll be _fine_. Give me five minutes, and if I'm not back _then_ you can worry." Rubbing the fog from her eyes with the heel of one hand, Vivio stumbled out of the living room and into the hallway. Rio and Corona watched her go, their stares unblinking and their chests burning with bated breath.

She arrived a moment later outside the bedroom door, where the banging was more prominent. If she strained her ears, she could hear the squeaking of the mattress springs, the hushed panting, the intermingling of flesh brushing against naked flesh. Vivio yawned widely but silently, smacked her lips a few times, and with the back of her knuckles knocked on the door. "Moms," she said. No answer. "Moms," she repeated, louder. Still no answer. They were still going at it. She knocked harder. "Excuse me…_EXCUSE ME._" She raised her voice, and that got them to stop. She heard twin gasps and one of them—it was Nanoha-mama—swearing under her breath; Vivio's basic knowledge of Japanese roughly translated it to be _God-fucking-dammit!_ Well, it was better than what her friends feared might happen.

"Don't say anything, okay? Just…listen to me. Nothing's wrong. Me and the others, we're doing fine. But, uh, there's something we need to tell you. Something I need to tell you. Okay?" Vivio cleared her throat, pressed her ear against the door. Good, she had their attention. She leaned back. "Right. Um, moms, I'm not really sure how to say this without sounding rude or impolite. I love you both and mean you no disrespect, but you always said that if there's anything troubling me I shouldn't be afraid or hesitant to go to you for help. Actually, that's what _you_ tell me to do, Fate-mama," she said, stopping the other woman short. "Nanoha-mama just says to, um," how did it go again? Oh, right: "'screw the rules and go balls to the wall, you're the daughter of the Devil,'" —as academically and financially damaging _that_ wound up being— "but there's a time and place for either philosophy. I'm not trying to insult you, Nanoha-mama." The White Devil beyond the door growled but quieted, shifted her weight from her place on the bed. "What I'm trying to say is, there's a problem the girls and I are having. You see, we can't sleep. Well, we were…but then you woke us up. Now I don't know what it is you're really doing in there, it's none of my business, but please…if you really care about us, if you really want us to grow big and strong enough someday in the future where we can best you in combat so you can pass the proverbial torch down onto us for us to carry, then please, please! tone it down. We can't sleep! Rio and Corona are scared out of their wits for my safety, even though I told them I'd be alright! So if you'd be so kind, please let us have our rest. I, uh, don't think you'd like it if our physical, mental, and spiritual growths were hindered because of your, uh, adventures. Not that I'm saying you're not good at what you do. Don't take it the wrong way."

Vivio listened. She didn't hear anything, not an answer or a movement that indicated ignorance. "Is that alright with you?" she asked. Again she pressed her ear to the door. It was so very quiet in there, save for the faint buzz of the house's main systems. She drew back, sighed. She hoped she didn't offend them.

Then her head snapped up, a sense of recognition ringing in the back of her mind like a switch being turned on. She heard her moms speak, first Nanoha-mama and then Fate-mama. "You will? Really?" Vivio expelled a great breath and wiped the sweat from her brow. "Thank Kaiser, I thought you'd be mad! Okay. Okay, I'll tell them. Thank you. Goodnight, moms. Love you."

She returned to Rio and Corona with a spring in her step and a smile on her face.

"You're not dead!" said Rio, amazed.

"Unless you're visiting us in spirit," said Corona. "In which case, that was the quickest, painless death we've never heard!"

Vivio clapped once. "Nope! They said they're done! We can go to sleep!"

Rio fist pumped under her sleeping bag. "Yes! I knew you had it in you!"

Corona sighed and smiled. "Thank you, Vivio."

Vivio stretched her arms above her head, and this time she didn't hold back on the massive yawn escaping her. "No…problem! Now, ladies, as we were: to bed!"

"To bed!" they echoed, and in a few minutes they were soundly asleep.

* * *

_BANG! BANG! BANG!_

Their eyes snapped open as one. They looked at the clock on the wall and groaned. It was one-thirty in the morning.

_BANG! BANG! BANG!_

Corona flopped onto her belly and jammed the pillow over her head.

"Vivio!" Rio hissed. "I thought you said they'd stop!"

"They did!" Vivio hissed right back.

"Well they're at it again!"

"I can tell!"

"Then get up, get in there, and tell them! Lay down the law! You're the Mid-Childan carbon copy of Jesus Christ, you have the authority!"

Vivio opened her mouth, paused, snapped it shut. "No. You know what? I have a better idea." She dragged herself out of the bag, rubbed the sleep from her eyes, and instead of going down the hallway to her moms' room went in the opposite direction.

Rio sat up, while Corona peeked out from the pillow. "Where are you going?" Corona asked.

"My bedroom. Hold on." Vivio blindly groped for the wall, touched it, and disappeared into the darkness. A few minutes later she returned with a cell phone.

"Who're you calling?" Rio asked.

"Emergency contact," said Vivio. Blinking blearily at the little illuminated screen, she scrolled through her list.

"You're calling Miss Hayate?" said Corona, the pillow sliding away from her.

"No. This is a private number." Vivio stopped, squinted at the number, nodded, and hit dial. She put the cell to her ear.

Rio and Corona exchanged curious glances. "No kidding?" said Rio.

"No kidding. There are these people I know. Special people. We go way back. They'll help us get our sleep…for a price."

"Holy balls! Are you calling the Mafia?!"

"_Keep it down._ And no, I'm not calling the Mafia!" Vivio gave her an unamused look. "But…you can say they're secretive folk. Keep to themselves, help those who help them, that sort of thing. They get a lot of bad rep, though, just because of who they are, you know? They, uh, don't get out much."

"But they will tonight," said Corona.

"They will tonight," said Vivio. "But once they're done I'm gonna have to arrange a drop point when Nanoha-mama's away. I have payments stashed in a safe place, and the longer I put them off the more persistent they'll get. You know how debt collectors are."

"Who are we dealing with?"

"You'll see. I'll introduce you to them, but you have to promise me not to breathe a word of this to anyone, not to Nove, your friends, not even your parents. One little slip-up and the whole region will be on us." Vivio looked at the wall clock, tapped her foot as the number continued to dial. It was one-forty in the morning. The banging went on. "C'mon," she said quietly to herself. "C'mon, pick up. Pick…up…Ah, hello! I'm, uh, sorry to be calling you so early…I hope I didn't wake everyone…I see…I see…Okay…Uh, the problem, right…What's the code for obstruction of peace again…eleven-eleven…No, I don't know what position they're in, it's not my business…Yeah…Yeah. You still have our address, right? Okay, good…How do you want to do it? Just…Just the usual, quick and easy…I'll call you later, set up an appointment and the rites…Don't worry, they're good people, I trust them with my life…Let your boss know…Okay…Okay. Thank you. Kaiser be with you." She hung up and turned off the phone. "They'll be here in a few minutes. I'm gonna put this away, and when I get back we're gonna go to bed. Act natural and don't panic no matter how much noise you hear. They've got this under control."

"Are you sure?" asked Rio.

"Absolutely. Now come on. We don't have much time." Vivio left to deposit the cell. Rio and Corona exchanged another set of confused, curious glances. Rio shrugged.

When Vivio returned, they slipped into their bags, closed their eyes, and waited.

It didn't take long.

_BANG BANG BANG._ The walls shook.

_BANG BANG BANG. _The floors shook.

The clock ticked and the clocked tocked. It was one-fifty-nine in the morning.

Sixty seconds later, the minute hand met the hour hand. It was now two o'clock.

As they lay there feigning sleep, a new sound declared its presence amongst the banging.

_Gobblegobblegobble…._

Rio's eyes flew open. "What the hell—" she started, but Vivio shushed her.

The banging didn't stop.

But neither did the new sound, and it was louder.

_GOBBLEGOBBLEGOBBLE…._

Corona turned her head toward the hallway, where not only the master bedroom was but also the kitchen and the foyer—the entrance to the household. "Vivio…?"

"Here they come," said Vivio. "Remember, act. Natural."

So they did, even when they heard the innards of the house go _bumpbumpbump_ and the ceiling _scratchedscratchedscratched_. The gobbling was closer, and there was clucking and purring and a high-pitched _kee-kee kee-kee!_

The banging stopped. The girls waited.

Then, with a rattle and clang, something in the master bedroom burst open, and there yodeled a clear, startled "GOBBLE!"

The first person to break the moment of silence was Fate-mama: "What the—?!"

Then followed Nanoha-mama, roaring like a leviathan emerging from the sea: _"YOU ASSHOLES!"_

The girls jumped, but they remained where they lay. Nestled in the warmth of their bags and shielded behind the darkness of their eyelids, they heard stuff being knocked over, ruffling feathers, and obscenities being thrown. They were so colorful and varied that even Rio went pink in the ears; she was too shocked to laugh or crack a comment.

A door slammed open and feet—bird talons and human feet—went skittering and pounding down the hallway. There was much squawking and keening from both parties, and as the seconds passed the racket drew away and faded—

The air reeked of ozone and magic, and that was the only hint they needed before a great explosion rocked the foundations. Klaxons dropped from their niches in the ceiling and blared, bathing the house in crimson flashes.

"_COME BACK HERE!"_ cried Nanoha-mama. Immediately following that, glass shattered and turkeys warbled.

Faintly, on the edge of hearing, Raging Heart said, _"My master, you are in violation of twenty ordnance laws. If this keeps on, Lieutenant-Colonel Yagami will—"_

"_SCREW THE RULES AND SCREW HAYATE, I'M THE DEVIL INCARNATE! THEY'RE DEAD, YOU HEAR ME? DEAD AND ROASTED ON AN OPEN FIRE!"_ There was another series of smaller blasts, rattling out in rapid-fire succession.

Seconds later Fate-mama appeared, nearly rolling head over kettle into the living room, but she braced a hand against the wall and caught herself before she could. If Rio had turned her head and opened her eyes at that moment, she would've seen the older woman completely naked, dwarfed in the long, voluminous sheet of the bed she had been on prior. It would've been a grand sight, but such things are taken for granted and don't always happen; it wouldn't have, either way, if the black and gold halberd in her hand was anything to go by. She panted and looked at each girl in turn, wiping sweat-slick hair from her eyes. "Oh…Oh thank Kaiser, they're okay…."

"_FATE! WAKE UP THE CHILDREN! WE'RE RIDING INTO BATTLE!"_ said Nanoha-mama.

Fate-mama's lips curled back in a snarl. "For the love of Kaiser—!"

"_Sir, it would be in our best interest to leave the soldiers be and intercept Lord Takamachi as quickly and efficiently as possible,"_ said Bardiche.

"You're right. The turkeys are in full retreat, anyway. Whatever their intentions, I don't think they mean any harm. Except, you know, the pride of the Devil at her most primal." Fate-mama sighed. "At least the children are asleep. I'm glad they're not awake to see this."

"_Indeed, sir. Let us be on our way."_ So Fate donned her Barrier Jacket, dropped the bedsheet, deactivated the security alarms and went on her way.

They opened their eyes and waited. After a few minutes had passed, when they were positive Nanoha-mama and Fate-mama and the turkeys hadn't made a swift and miraculous return, Rio was the first to break the silence. "Vivio…what in Sankt Kaiser's name just happened?"

"That," began Vivio, "was the Underground Turkey Resistance. I, uh, had a run-in with them about…hmm, almost five years ago? Yeah, yeah five."

"When you were six?" said Corona. "What did you do to them?"

"You know about that whole ordeal with that mad scientist guy, right? Scaglietti? Well, right after that I wound up getting lost and was found by them. They were going to eat me but their boss, Boss Turkey (and that really is his name) saw the potential I had in martial arts and decided to raise me as his heir and taught me the ways of Turkey-Fu. That was, like, a week before moms stormed the place and got trampled by these funny-looking green llamas. My memory's a bit fuzzy about what transpired, but yeah that's about the gist of it."

Corona nodded, understanding. "Ah, so that's why it's called the Three Day War. I always wondered why I kept hearing about it around Thanksgiving time…."

"How in the world do turkeys know kung fu?" said Rio.

Vivio lay there for a minute, unspeaking. Then, "You know, that's a very good question."

* * *

The next day, after Nanoha-mama was placed under house arrest and slapped with a monitoring device, Vivio brought Rio and Corona to a quiet little corner at the park. She was carrying a bulging burlap sack over her shoulder. When pressed to say just what kind of payment this was, she said it was the kind turkeys liked to go with their daily, humdrum routine.

Away from the bustle of playground shenanigans and the prying gaze of Bureau security cameras, they stopped under the shade of a cluster of trees. From the bushes bordering the inner ring of old, hale trunks, a band of wild turkeys emerged as quietly and seamlessly as assassins. They wore an assortment of crockery and silverware round their necks, among their tail feathers, and on their heads—rusted crock pots, sporks on beaded strings, those little rings on the ends of pots and pans dangling from their waddles like bastardized earrings, woks beaten flat and attached to their breasts with smelted sheets of corrugated metal and leather. A rainbow of war paint and tribal markings colored their beaks and wings, brightening their drab gray and brown plumage.

The first turkey at the fore approached them. It glanced between Vivio, Rio and Corona, and the burlap sack with a wary, avian eye. "Gobble-gobble?" it asked.

"In exact portions," said Vivio. She hefted the sack forward, set it down in front of her, and undid the tie. The turkey took a couple steps and peered into the hole. So did Rio and Corona, huddling behind her.

Rio raised a brow. "Grass?"

"Not just that," said Corona. "There are nuts, acorns, berries, bugs, meat—"

"It's minced garden snake," said Vivio. The girls yelped and backed away, disgusted. She ignored them, addressing the turkey, "The snake's a bonus. Everything else I had stored from this past winter, so it should have aged well. If you mind your rations, this should last you until the end of the month."

The turkey clucked approvingly, nodded, and stepped back. It spoke to its comrades in their native tongue, and the others purred and exhaled little puffs of air.

"Now," said Vivio, "the rites."

"The…rites?" said Corona.

"Now that you know about the Resistance, you have to go through their initiation. Every non-avian has to; birds like geese and pigeons have a separate initiation."

"Geese and pigeons, too?" said Rio. "So where are they?"

"Oh, they have their own base of operations. You know, since they're well-received when it comes to human relations. But for humans themselves, the initiation is a way to prove to the turkeys that you're not their enemy and have no intention of eating turkey meat ever again, regardless of whether or not they're affiliated with the Resistance."

"What happens if we don't do it?"

Vivio pursed her lips. "A better question would be 'what would the turkeys do.'" She nodded somberly at their pale faces. "Yeah, I don't know, either…but, better to play it safe, right?"

"We'll do it! We'll do it!" Corona exclaimed.

"Yeah, I don't wanna get crapped on!" said Rio. "Just…tell us what to do. This initiation can't be that bad, right?"

Vivio felt a familiar, phantom crick run laps around the small of her back. She licked her lips. "Well…."

* * *

"Y-You know," Rio grunted, "when I hear the word 'initiation', I think of a big, fancy ceremony with…adult drinks and hors d'oeuvres, like…ugh, like those mini-pizza rolls you find at the supermarket. Or, ugh, I dunno, caviar? D-Do people still eat that? I…I'd rather have deviled eggs _OH KAISER NOT SO HARD, you…you…big, floppy ding-dong!_ Ow!" The big, green, phallic-looking…llama-thing…bellowed and stamped harder on her back, all with that goofy, toothy grin on its face. The turkey perched on its saddle directed an exasperated glare her way and made a scolding gobble.

Vivio raised her hands defensively. "H-Hey now, Rio, take it easy. The Bunchies…they're pretty sensitive. They prefer to be called 'geometrically challenged alpacas.'"

"Where's their fur then? Where are their tails? Why" Rio hissed as a hoof dug into the meat below her left shoulder blade "Why don't they look normal?!"

"Well I think they're cute," Corona mumbled. She had her head pillowed over her crossed arms, eyes half-closed and a sleepy smile on her lips. "There are many llamas and alpacas in the world, but there's only one kind of Bunchie. They also make great masseuses." She hummed pleasurably. "Down a little and to the right, if you please, Mister Bunchie. There we go…." The Bunchie above her tossed its head back and lowed, happy to have been complimented. Compared to Rio's Bunchie, this one was kneading Corona's backside as a cat would to its favorite sleeping spot, firmly but softly, the pointed ends of its hooves scraping up and down her flesh.

Rio glared at the ceiling, or as much of a ceiling as hanging moss, cross sectioned roots, and some two stories of dirt and soil the underground fortress could provide. "Yeah, well, this wasn't what I had in mind."

"What were you expecting?" Vivio asked.

"Something straight out of _Fight Club_. You know, 'the first rule of Fight Club is you don't talk about Fight Club' and all that jazz, which, let's be honest, doesn't make any sense because mentioning it is just another way of saying you _are_ talking about it. Heck, I was totally expecting these guys to send us a welcome committee. Show us their all-mighty Turkey Fu Manchu or whatever they call it. What do we get instead? A one-hour massage." Rio huffed. "That's…That's just anticlimactic."

"To be fair, Corona's already passed her initiation. Just look at her! She's taking it like a champ!"

"Corona's out of it, man."

"Am…not," the girl said, the last word drawn out in a great yawn. "You're just…jealous…."

Rio grumbled under her breath, too low for either girl to decipher. "So how much longer do I have?" she asked Vivio.

Vivio made to speak but then the music, which had been playing a mix of various bossa nova tracks from both Mid-Childa and Earth, cut short. The spotlights went out, plunging them in a dim, phosphorescent darkness. Then, somewhere above their heads, crystal disco balls emerged. The music kicked into full swing, a mantra of _UNTZ-UNTZ-UNTZ-UNTZ-UNTZ_ that ricocheted against the walls and brought a smattering of dirt and vegetation showering down on human, turkey, and Bunchie. The disco balls shined in corresponding, geometric patterns in epileptic flashes. "Huh. That sounds like—"

"_TETRIS!"_ Rio squealed, and her teeth stabbed her bottom lip and drew blood and pain and nine-year-old ire as the turkey gigged the giggling Bunchie to come down on her back.

"It's okay, Rio!" Vivio shouted over the music. "You only have" she checked her wristwatch "fifty minutes to go! You can do it!"

"Gobble-gobble!" said the turkey seated next to her.

"Remember," Corona yawned, "you're supposed to be…the Number One Up-and-Coming Badass."

Rio would've complained, but the hoof that slammed into her diaphragm blew the wind out of her, so she contented herself to pout and brood and, like her companion, take it like a champ.


End file.
